So it would seem that Hollywood has finally ran out of ideas in the horror department!
Remakes are a 10 a penny phenomenon nowadays, and many horror film aficonados such as myself often get pissed off when we hear that some unknown director has decided to remake a classic, seemingly untouchable horror film from the days of old. It is also often the case that the makers of these remakes are doing it for a paycheck, and not to deliver a quality piece of filmmaking. BUT IT MUST BE POINTED OUT that the remake can outshine the original in isolated cases. Therefore, in order to give credit where it’s due, I have gathered a list of remakes that one should check out. [NOTE: In order to fully appreciate the films listed; the original must be viewed first.]
- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003). What starts off as an idillic journey to a Lynard Skynard concert for 5 friends in 1973 turns into a nightmare beyond anything anyone could ever imagine… Introducing a whole new generation to the horrors of the original and officially bringing gore-filled horror movies movies back to the attention of the world, Marcus Nispel’s faithful remake of the 1974 classic video nasty stayed true to the original, yet also managed to flesh out characters before they get dispatched via Leatherface and chainsaw. The Hewitt family are also explored at great depth (particularly the scarily deranged Sherriff Hoyt); action scenes are executed efficiently; Jessica Biel adds the babe factor and the ending managed to chill even my wisened spine. A true gem amoung modern remakes.
- Friday the 13th (2009). The 1980 original gave birth to the “dark voyeur” camera shot, and cemented Friday the 13th as the unluckiest day in the calendar. But not even a young Kevin Bacon getting harpooned through the throat could detract from the fact that the film was, to quote star Betsy Palmer, a piece of shit. Marcus Nispel is at the helm again for this one, and manages to make a polished; dark and brooding film from a franchise too far past its prime (and was honestly crap enough to begin with). It actually features Jason instead of his crackpot mother – a smart move, appealing to the fans by featuring the very thing that they can relate to. The chase sequences were thrilling; the traps were awesome and the gore… Well it’s a Marcus Nispel film, work it out. And hey, it’s gotta be good if Michael Bay is your producer, alongside original director Sean S. Cunningham.
- The Hills Have Eyes (2006). Only Alexandre Aja’s second directional masterpiece after “Switchblade Romance” in 2003, the film is identical in almost every single way to Wes Craven’s original. An all star horror cast featuring Cathleen Quinlan; Aaron Stanford and Buffalo Bill himself, the one and only Ted Irvine, Wes Craven was also loosely involved with production, so it clearly had his seal of approval. The characters (both human and cannibal) were all believeable as well as relateable, and none of the human characters ever experienced the “curiosity killed the cat” syndrome that has become a staple of horror remakes. A true struggle for survival for the good guys; and also features the most satisfying and blood fuelled movie climax EVER. Horror aficonados owe it to themselves to see it.
- I Spit On Your Grave (2010). The bitch gets even… Stephen Munroe’s new and refreshing take on the 1981 rape revenge exploitation classic is one of the most unsettling and repulsive visual experiences one would ever hope to witness. It features a few script changes and a few different elements than that of the original (which is still banned in various European countries), but ultimately these small tweaks pay off. Whereas in the original the infamous rape scenes happen in broad daylight, they happen at night in the remake, which opens up opportunities for “boo” moments as well as sheer brutality. But once she starts to exact revenge on her rapists, its even more vile and brutal than what was done to her. And all the better for it. Sarah Butler gives a hard as nails performance, and the supporting cast also give great performances as some of the sleaziest and scummiest bad guys on film. Watch this one at your peril. This is the Absynth of horror remakes. Strong stuff, indeed.
- The Thing (1982). 1951’s “The Thing From Outer Space” was the zeinth of science fiction horror. “The Thing” managed to surpass even that. There’s no denying that “The Thing” set a whole new benchmark for sci-fi/horror/action hybrid films. Even “Aliens” can’t hold a candle to it. Kurt Russel and company give amazing performances as the paranoid team of scientists fighting off a shape-shifting alien life form that assumes the appearance of the ones it consumes. The set pieces are incredibly well constructed; the costumes and facial hair are appropriate; and the action kicks ass. But the selling point of the film is the special FX. With Tom Savini on board, there was no shitty CGI to be seen here, only rubber and latex construction with gallons of fake blood and butcher offal to throw at us. It made it seem all the more scary and visceral. Still the undisputed zeinth of horror remakes, almost 30 years down the line.
- Last House on the Left (2009). Wes Craven’s directional debut is still banned in the UK uncut, almost 40 years on. The remake had a lot to live up to, and while I did not expect a lot from it initially, when I heared Wes Craven was the producer, I owed it to myself as a fan to check it out. I was not disappointed. Director Dennis Iliadis managed to maintain the cruel and sadistic nature of the original, and succeeds in taking the audience on a wild rollercoaster ride that only lets up briefly during necessary scenes of dialogue and character interaction. Gore levels are at an optimum high; not a drop of sleaziness or sadism from the bad guys goes to waste and the cold revenge exacted by the parents of the affected child is satisfying to levels that would make you stand and applaud. The original still wins on grounds of shock factor, but this is a faithful and intense visual experience, and assertive proof that Craven is never wrong when it comes to production nowadays.
And now for the ones you should avoid for fear of causing severe permanent damage to your cental nervous system.
- The Grudge (2005). Featuring the original director Takashi Shimizu; maintaining the original setting of Tokyo instead of New York and starring scream queen Sarah Michelle Gellar of “Buffy…” fame; this was a bold and solid attempt at Americanising what is the most frightening and terrifying film ever to have come out of the diverse and original Japanese horror market to date. However, it simply did not pack the punch that the original did, and thus did not yield any lasting impression on me. A shame, considering what it had going for it.
- Rob Zombie’s Halloween (2006). “Dig through the ditches; burn through the withches and slam in the back of my DRAGULAAAAA!” Rob Zombie carefully divides his time nowadays between being a successful solo rock star and a notorious filmmaker. His original films “House of 1000 Corpses” and “The Devil’s Rejects” are visceral; brutal and bloody fantastic, and made him a force to be reckoned within the horror community. “Halloween” wasn’t that good. Sure, Malcolm McDowell does an alright job as the new Sam Loomis; there was lots of gratuitous sex and booby shots on offer and the violence was nice. But all those things really did was contribute towards making this film seem like a film you could only watch for boobs and gore, whereas the original you could watch any time and it’ll still shock and scare you. I guess its down to viewer discretion, but I’ll take the original over this any day of the week.
- The Ring (2002).The start of a slippery slope for American remakes of Asian originals. The original “Ringu” was taut; immensley frightening and the special FX were awesome. The remake overhauled the special FX and half ignored direction quality and sloppy camera work. Naomi Watts was extremely irritating in the lead role, and as blonde as they come. She delivered a better performance in Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” than she managed here, and she played second fiddle to a giant monkey in that film. All tension was lost through these processes. An epic fail in every sense.
- Dark Water (2005). Empty hyperbole. The original, directed by “Ringu” director Hideo Nakata was one of the scariest visual and sound experiences ever, and rivalled “Ju On” for its ability to be so simplistic in story and shooting conventions, yet so harrowingly terrifying. This remake lived up to neither of these reputations. A naff; frustrating and diluted attempt at Americanising a truly chilling ghost story. Avoid at all costs.
- A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010). Dumbed down and grandiose, not even an engaging performance from the uber cool Jackie Earle Hayley as the iconic Freddie Krueger could save this film from mediocracy. Watching this film is like hearing a fire alarm going off in an old abandoned building – if you know for a fact that there is no urgent relevance in investigating, best not bother. I doubt Robert Englund or Wes Craven would have found it a particularly engaging experience to watch. Entirely “meh.”
- The Wicker Man (2006). If alarm bells aren’t ringing in your head already, you must be handicapped. The bad guys were radical feminists, and there wasn’t even any music numbers in it. Blarg.
- House of Wax (2005). It’s got Paris Hilton in it. Go figure.
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